


my whole wide world is out of hand

by manybumblebees



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Babysitting, Kid Fic, M/M, implied tea parties, soft content, things that are mad tiny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 18:47:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23839612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manybumblebees/pseuds/manybumblebees
Summary: He’s not prepared for Patty to open the door wearing a tiara, that’s all.
Relationships: Carter Hart/Kevin Hayes, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Travis Konecny/Nolan Patrick
Comments: 59
Kudos: 459
Collections: Flyers Fic Exchange 2020





	my whole wide world is out of hand

**Author's Note:**

  * For [callabang](https://archiveofourown.org/users/callabang/gifts).

> please pull up a chair and let me share with you my favourite conspiracy theory: that kevin hayes' beloved niece is, in fact, his daughter. content note for the appearance of a non-famous irl relative, for obvious reasons.
> 
> this is simply, three concepts in an undersized trench coat posing as a fic, or, alternately, a deleted scene from a story that doesn't exist. it takes place in the 2019-2020 season but doesn't acknowledge such things as "migraines" or "world events". ONLY patty in a tiara, thanks.
> 
> calla, i would say "i hope you like this", but i feel reasonably confident that you will. just a hunch. beta'ed by canary - thanks pal!

If TK had to wait for Patty to invite him over, he’d never see him. That’s his excuse for showing up unannounced at Kevin’s place with a four-pack of the pretentious hipster beer Pat likes, anyway. It usually works out fine.

He’s not prepared for Patty to open the door wearing a tiara, that’s all.

“What?” he snaps.

“Uh–” TK says. It’s a lot, takes him a second even to get a chirp together. Is there glitter on Patty’s face? “Nice crown, bro.”

“It’s a ti-a-ra,” says a little voice from behind Patty’s knees, carefully enunciating each syllable. TK looks down to see a pair of tiny arms wrapped around his legs, a head of tousled sandy hair poking out to peer at him.

“Oh, is Patty a princess?” he says, in his best talking-to-kids voice, honed to perfection from years of team events. 

“No, he’s a _dragon_,” the girl says firmly.

“Of course. The _prettiest _dragon.”

He grins up at Pat, who glares at him like he’s trying to kill him with his eyes. He can’t actually bitch him out in front of a kid, though. 

Patty’s voice suddenly goes mad soft when he says, “Neila, you wanna say hi?” 

He reaches behind him and hoists a little girl onto his hip. She’s wearing a princess Elsa dress and like, the tiniest Jordans TK’s ever seen. He didn’t know they even made them that small. She’s got the biggest blue eyes, too, kind of like–

No, right? She’s gotta be at least four. Patty would’ve been crazy young.

“Hi,” Neila says, as TK’s still working through that train of thought. She sticks out her little hand, and TK shifts the beer to his other hand so he can shake it.

“Hi, Neila, I’m Travis.”

“Hi Travis,” she says seriously.

Pat’s watching this unfold with absolutely no expression on his face, because he’s like, dead inside and doesn’t like kids, or whatever. TK heard him do that soft voice, though. He’s onto him.

“She yours, bro?” TK says, only kind of joking. Patty’s mad secretive. Maybe his whole _kids are annoying and their hands are always sticky_ thing was a ruse all along.

Pat gives him another withering look. “I’m babysitting,” he says, like it’s obvious. Maybe it should’ve been. It’s probably fucked up that TK’s first thought was, _Holy shit, Patty has a secret kid_, but like, if _anyone _could keep that a secret for three years, it’d be Pat.

“Uncle Patty has to watch me ‘cause Uncle Kevin’s on a date,” Neila announces, which is kind of a lot to unpack even before she scrunches her face up and adds, “Uncle Kevin’s my _dad.”_

Pretty unexpected twist.

“Oh, uh–” TK glances at Pat for help, but he’s casting his eyes to the ceiling, like maybe he’s hoping for a lightning bolt to hit him right here in Kevin’s hallway, or he’s just trying real hard not to swear in front of Neila.

“That’s nice,” TK finishes, gamely breezing past the whole– deal. Kids say weird shit, it’s whatever. Kevin probably isn’t her uncle _and_ her dad. How would that even work?

“Are you coming in?” Patty says, eyebrow raised. He steps aside to make room.

TK only wanted to drink a few beers and play some Fortnite, relax a little, and instead, he’s faced with this whole… situation, which is honestly making his head spin a little. On the other hand, is he going to pass up the opportunity to watch Patty babysit? No chance.

TK trails after him into the living room. He’s still holding Neila, her little feet in her sweet kicks dangling. She reaches up to adjust the plastic tiara and only succeeds in tangling it in Patty’s hair more thoroughly. He just, like, lets her. What the fuck.

When Patty puts her down, she sprints off towards the couch, yelling the whole way. She's definitely related to Kev somehow.

“So?” he prompts, when Pat snatches the beers out of his hand and starts putting them in the fridge like he’s not even going to explain.

“It’s a pretty long story,” Patty says. He sighs when TK raises his eyebrows at him all the way, as if he thought TK was gonna let this go.

“She’s his, but she was living with his sister until now. Hayesy was kind of a jackass when he had her, I guess. You’re not supposed to know, like, any of this, by the way,” he says, crossing his arms in front of his chest and glowering.

TK shrugs. “Don’t answer the door in a tiara if you’re trying to keep secrets, bro. How’s babysitting?”

“It’s fine,” Patty says tightly, and shoves one of TK’s own beers at him. There’s definitely glitter on his face. TK can’t believe he missed a full princess tea party, and all he’d been doing was sitting on his couch swiping through Tinder. He could’ve been here hours ago.

Pat puts the rest of the beers in the fridge and heads out of the kitchen, TK on his heels. He drops down on the couch. The TV is paused on_ Trolls 2_, and Patty presses play on it with the resignation of a dude who’s on like, his third viewing.

“Is this any good? I haven’t seen it yet,” TK says. 

Pat looks at him like he can’t decide if it’s worth snapping at him, and seems to decide it isn’t. He looks pretty tired now that he’s sitting down. It’s probably a lot, looking after a kid by yourself when you’re not used to it. Especially Kevin’s kid. She seems pretty chill colouring right now, but that’s probably more of an exception, given that she’s, you know, _Kevin’s kid_.

Holy shit, Kevin has a kid. Hayesy’s a _dad_.

Neila’s kneeling on a pillow by the coffee table, rooting through a pile of crayons and bopping along to the music from the TV. There are definitely two pieces of paper on the table, on opposite sides, like they’d been drawing. Like both of them had been drawing. Together. Nolan must notice him looking, because he lunges to snatch the other piece of paper away before TK can get a good look at it. He immediately crumples it up and lobs it across the room.

Still, TK’s left with the mental image of Patty sitting criss cross applesauce at the coffee table to draw with Kevin’s secret kid. He’s just gonna file that away for a rainy day. Lose 8-0 to the Penguins? Just think about Patty in his pretty princess tiara holding a crayon in his giant hand and talking to Neila in a real soft voice.

Patty’s not like, bad with kids, whatever he says. He just doesn’t tend to put the effort in beyond the basics – posing for selfies, signing autographs – and TK’s never seen him with a kid he actually seems to know.

“What are you drawing, Neila? Is that Patty?” 

“Uh-huh,” Neila says.

TK leans in to peer over her shoulder. There’s a little stick figure with yellow hair that must be her, and two bigger ones with brown hair that TK can’t place right away. Patty’s unmistakable, though. He’s got the long hair and the tiara, but he also seems to be covered in green scales and he has a tail. It’s perfect. TK wants that framed.

“I think he should be breathing fire.”

He picks out an orange crayon and hands it to her, and then red, for the outline, and okay, maybe he slides off the couch to grab himself his own piece of paper and draws Gritty chasing Patty around the Farg with a toilet plunger to make Neila shriek-laugh while Patty rolls his eyes at him. He’s totally trying not to laugh, TK can tell.

By the time the credits roll on the movie, both his legs have gone to sleep, and he has to army-crawl back onto the couch.

“Alright, that’s bedtime,” Pat says.

“Yeah bud, do you want me to tuck you in?” TK tries to smile through the pins and needles in his legs.

Patty ignores him. “Neila?” he says, a little uncertainly, like he’s expecting a tantrum.

Neila turns around, giving him big blue puppy eyes. “Will you read me a story?”

“You gotta read her a story, bro,” TK agrees.

“Dude, chill. You’re practically ovulating.”

“I’m what?”

It’s not fair for Patty to be straight-up dyslexic but also talk like a word-of-the-day calendar.

“Your baby fever, man. Get it together.” He glares at TK even as he picks Neila up and swings her over his shoulder. Neila’s shrieking in laughter and pounding his back with her tiny fists, Patty saying “_Ow_,” all aggrieved like it actually hurts.

_How_, TK mouths at his back. How, exactly, is he supposed to get it together if Patty’s going to read her a _story_.

He can’t actually, like, move. He nearly brains himself on the coffee table trying to get to his feet too quickly, even though he still can’t feel his legs, desperate not to miss Princess Patty Story Time.

He makes it down the hall slowly, bracing himself on the walls. He nearly loses his footing again when he makes it to the bathroom doorway and is faced with Neila in little Flyers pyjamas, on a little stool in front of the sink, while Patty squeezes toothpaste onto her tiny pink toothbrush for her. TKO.

He’s not sure how much more he can cope with in one evening. Patty’s being so gentle, and like, chill about this, like he just hangs out with Kevin’s kid all the time. TK goes on a thought journey about Pat with his own kids someday, a whole array of little bitchy blondes, and maybe blacks out for a second when Patty fireman-carries Neila down the hall. The next thing TK knows, he’s sitting on a fluffy unicorn rug next to her teeny tiny little kid bed. Turns out she has like, a whole room, like she’s been living here a while. It’s crazy. But not as crazy as Patty pulling up a tastefully pastel pink chair and really earnestly reading Neila a book called _The Enormous Crocodile_.

TK’s no expert, but the book seems pretty good. Hard to tell who’s enjoying it more, him or Neila, but it’s pretty clear Patty’s not having any fun at all, judging by the looks he’s shooting TK over the top of the book. He still does the voices, though. His face is so red.

Pat suddenly stops reading just when the crocodile is pretending to be a seesaw so he can eat the kids, just claps the book shut mid-sentence and gets to his feet.

“No way that’s the end.”

“She’s asleep, bro,” Patty says, glaring down at him.

“Yeah, but it’s like, a cliffhang– ow,” TK says, as the book hits him in the midriff.

“Do _not _wake her up,” Patty hisses, like he isn’t the one throwing things. He flicks off all the lights except for a lantern thing by her bed that projects little stars onto the ceiling. Kids have the sickest stuff.

He trails after Patty, who heads straight into the kitchen to get a beer out of the fridge and then collapses onto the couch with a bone-deep sigh.

“Thank god,” he mumbles, and turns the TV onto ESPN.

TK settles in next to him. He puts his feet up on the coffee table between Neila’s crayons and a little juice cup with a panda on it. He made sure to bring the book, and he pages through it until he finds where they left off. He reads the rest of it while Patty watches NBA highlights, or looks at his phone while the NBA highlights are on, at least. Basically the same thing.

“Dude, have you read this?”

“Yeah, it’s her favourite.”

“The part where the elephant yeets him into space? Good shit, man. We should start a book club. Get Beezer involved.”

Beezer would like this book. Maybe TK will buy it for him. He takes a picture of the front cover with his phone so he won’t forget.

Patty snorts a goofy little laugh. He pulls at the tiara still tangled in his hair, wincing slightly. He’s never gonna get that out.

“Might have to get the scissors, bro,” TK says, just to see the horror on his face. “Here, lemme help.”

Instead of leaning over, Pats slides off the couch and scoots over so he’s sitting between TK’s knees. 

“Okay, yeah– okay,” TK babbles, a little overwhelmed at the sudden invitation to get his hands all up in Patty’s hair. What was it Patty told him, earlier? _Get it together._ Yeah. He should really do that.

Pat sits perfectly still – he’s good at that – and TK starts untangling the tiara, starting from the edges. 

“It’s nuts, right,” Patty says after a while, even harder to understand than normal because he’s chewing on his thumbnail and trying to talk at the same time.

“That Hayesy has a kid? Yeah, man."

“Yeah,” Patty echoes, but his voice is off, like that’s not what he meant.

TK runs through the whole situation again in his head. “You think it’s nuts he’s on a date?” he tries, pretty much a complete guess.

Pat says something that sounds like, “It’s nuts he’s on a date with _Hartsy_,” but it’s probably not that. Seems like he’s got like, his whole hand in his mouth, that’s probably why TK misheard.

“Shit,” Patty mumbles, and freezes. He’s usually like, a lot better at keeping secrets.

TK blinks.

“Is that who Neila was drawing?”

Looks like Patty’s not going to say anything else, but he finally takes his fingers out of his mouth. “Yeah, he was here earlier. He was like, nervous as hell. Don’t tell Kev I told you.” He pauses, and then adds, “Kev was wearing a bow tie.”

“That’s pretty wild,” TK says, though this is only like, the third craziest thing Patty’s told him tonight.

“I know,” Patty says, suddenly animated. “You can’t just like, do that? They’re teammates.”

He’s moved on to chewing on his hoodie strings now. Both of them.

“You can do whatever you want, bud,” TK points out. “Life’s pretty short,” he adds, after a second. People say that to him all the time. It’s probably true, even though the ten minutes he’s spent sitting here untangling the tiara from Patty’s hair have felt endless, like its own little pocket of time. This whole evening has felt like that a little, like when he leaves and the door shuts behind him the whole thing – Neila, Patty and his tiara, Kevin on a date with Hartsy – will just fade out of existence.

Patty doesn’t say anything else, but TK can tell he’s still mulling it over. TK is, honestly, a little disappointed when he pulls the tiara free, but before Patty can move, he leans over him to grab Neila’s little pink Barbie hairbrush from the coffee table.

“Gotta get the tangles out,” he clarifies. Pat just hums.

Pat’s got a lot of tangles in his hair, if anyone asks. He doesn’t complain, obligingly moves his head when TK nudges. At some point, he picks up the Xbox controller and sets up Fortnite, but he doesn’t ask TK to join, just plays while TK brushes his hair. A few minutes in, he abandons all pretense of doing something useful and just runs his fingers through it, instead. It’s getting long again. He likes it better long. Patty’s shoulders tense briefly and then relax.

“You know, for a second there I thought you had a kid you’d just, like, never told me about,” he says, and Patty laughs a little.

Pretty easy to talk to the back of his head, without him squinting at TK all judgy like he does sometimes when he thinks TK’s being too soft.

“Your crocodile voice was really good,” he tells him.

Patty mumbles “Thanks,” pulls off a sick headshot in his game. His ears maybe go a little red, it’s hard to tell in this light. TK scratches his scalp lightly, and he leans into the touch like a big cat.

“Where did Kev take Hartsy?”

“Double Knot.”

“Not Boston Pizza?”

Patty laughs again, shoulders shaking where they’re pressed against TK’s knees.

It’s weird to think about Kevin and Carter on a date. Not weirder than the thought that Kevin is a dad, but still. Double Knot is pretty fancy. Guess Kev must be like, serious about this, which is a pretty weird thought to have about your teammate dating your other teammate. That’s probably what Pats was talking about before, but like– whatever. If that’s what makes them happy, who cares.

It’s pretty late. They must be onto dessert by now. TK should probably clear out before Kev gets home, but he really doesn’t want to move from where Patty’s listing into him, pretending to be more interested in his game than the way TK’s tracing the curve of his ear.

“We should go sometime,” TK says to the back of Patty’s head.

Patty says nothing for a second, the apartment quiet except for the sounds of fake gunfire on the screen. TK finds the remote next to him on the couch and turns the volume down, just so they don’t wake up Neila.

"On a date?" Pat says. It’s hard to tell without seeing his face, but he doesn’t sound sarcastic. 

"Yeah,” TK chances.

“Okay.”

TK tugs on his hair so he’ll tilt his head back, just to make sure he isn’t bullshitting. He’s pretty red, smiling a little, but not in a bitchy way. It’s like, soft.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

**Author's Note:**

> title from hem's "all that i'm good for". _the enormous crocodile_ is by roald dahl and WILL be a big hit at your next book club meeting (if your book club consists of only joel farabee).
> 
> podfic welcome, as long as it's archive-locked.
> 
> find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/manybumblebees).


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